Starbucks Issues Apology To Missionaries

Starbucks Issues Apology To Missionaries

In an unusual move, Starbucks has issued an apology to Christian mission organizations. The press release states

We at Starbucks, International recognize the positive impact of Christian missionaries around the globe through medical clinics, community infrastructure work, orphanages, and the encouraging spiritual message.

So we feel the need to offer a sincere apology for how our business success has negatively impacted the budgets of missions organizations. (We are here to help you retool your marketing strategy if you would like.)

Our studies show that among our patrons are 3 million Christians who consider themselves loyal customers and spend on average $1467.00 per year. This is upwards of $3.5 billion that you could not use to support your families, buy medical equipment, and install water filtration systems. (To be fair, our baristas need to be able to purchase iPhones, but that is not the main issue here.)

The fact that we were able to open 267 new stores is due to our ability to inspire people with great tasting over-priced coffee drinks. But we do regret that this has probably kept you from opening more medical clinics.Over the course of ten years, we are talking over $30 Billion. Certainly you could have put that to good use. (At the same time, we didn’t force anyone to buy our products or plaster selfies posing with our cups all over social media. These Christians did what they wanted to do with their money.)

Missions experts expect a similar apology to come from Disney within the next few days.

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