Progressive Woman Hospitalized After Outrage Gland Shuts Down
Jennifer Caldwell is a proud social justice activist progressive. She's always one of the first of her friends to recognize and protest anything that anyone may at any time find objectionable in any way. For years her friends joked about the fact that she must have a supernatural gift for expressing outrage.
No one was joking this morning when Jennifer was rushed to the hospital. She awoke without the ability to be outraged at anything. Her friend and roommate, Mike Reacher relates what happened. "Jen was eating her morning rice cake. While scrolling the news on her phone she saw a photo of President Trump walking across the White House lawn and she felt nothing. No anger. Not even a smidge of despair. She looked at several headlines without even raising an eyebrow or exclaiming, 'O!M!G!' Her eyes met mine and she said, 'Something is wrong.' I told her, 'Quick... go to Huff Post.' Still nothing. That's when I called 911."
Arriving at the hospital, the doctor asked Caldwell's friends if they had noticed anything strange recently. "Apparently her outrage gland had been working overtime recently," says Dr. Gupton. "Ever since 2016 she has been on an outrage binge. That's not sustainable. She recently spent three straight days protesting plastic straws. Yesterday she posted 36 tweets slamming Trump for eating breakfast. She basically used every drop of outrage she had in her body."
Dr. Gupton said he is seeing these types of cases now more than ever. He believes that soon, hospitals will be overrun with patients who have burned out their outrage gland. "Of course then they will have something else to be outraged about," the doctor says with a smile.