President Trump Urges Americans To Not Make Any Plans On July 4th And Join Him For Patriotic Re-election Party
Sometimes you wonder what America was like before her greatest President took office. On Sunday, Donald Trump took to Twitter to dissuade Americans from making plans for July 4th. Instead, they should join him in Washington, D.C. for a “Salute To America.”
Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders explained the planned gathering. “President Trump has single-handedly raised this dead country from the ashes of history. He thought this would be a great way to give a campaign speech heading into the 2020 election, while at the same time celebrating America.”
President Trump sat down with one of the editors at Unverified Source and shared his heart on this newly announced holiday. “Well, I wanted to do something for this great country. I looked at the calendar and said, ‘What would be a great day to throw a party for America?’ I decided on July 4th. And… you may not know this, but that is the day that America signed the Declaration of Independence. A lot of people don’t know that. These were great men. After signing that deal, they became very successful and rich. It was a pretty good deal for both sides… America and the UK. I think I could have negotiated a better revolution. But I wasn’t there.
So I thought, ‘Why not? Let’s throw the biggest party ever on a day that marks independence.’ I do everything big. I think it will catch on. People will probably celebrate on July 4th even after this.
It also gives me a chance to have a huge audience that will listen to me talk about how great I am. That can be a key factor in the upcoming election. So it is going to be a big deal. This really should have been done a long time. But none of the previous presidents could make it happen. I make things happen. I do have some great things planned. I am going to have some of my favorite people make some endorsements. I don’t want to give too much away, but don’t be surprised if you see video feeds of Putin and Kim Jong Un saluting America and announcing their support for my re-election. Again, I don’t want to give away secret plans, but I trust you guys at Unverified Source. We are planning to have a major fireworks display, and some world class entertainment. Of course, I will speak… because not only am I America’s favorite President, but I am also eloquent. You know that. Everyone knows that. Maybe a short 90 minutes of rambling through various topics that wake me up at 3 a.m.
“It is going to be special… the way a national celebration should be. I have already signed an Executive Order making July 4th a national holiday and ordering all federal offices and banks to close. So we hope to see everyone there… everyone except the losers. No Democrats. No fake news… except Unverified Source. You guys are invited. I like you. You have always been fair with me.”
Press Secretary Sanders says that the administration is inspiring similar ‘Hold The Date’ announcements worldwide. “We have word that the Pope will be announcing a ‘Hold The Date’ for December 25. The President of Mexico will be asking his nation as well as Mexican restaurants in America to hold May 5th. And the American media has even gotten into the spirit, announcing April 1st as a day to celebrate Donald Trump.”