Nation's Pumpkin Spice Crop Wiped Out As Overnight Temperatures Drop Below 90 Degrees
A nation that is addicted to pumpkin spice in everything from coffee, to communion wafers, and toothpaste will have to do without this Fall. Due to an unexpected overnight drop in temperatures, nearly the entire crop of pumpkin spice was wiped out.
Billy Joe Walton, a pumpkin spice farmer in Manchester, TN explains, “It just blindsided us. We’ve had ninety 90-plus degree days this summer. We’ve set multiple high temp records. I’m sure the weather forecasters said the temperatures would cool off. But I don’t think any of us expected it to get below 90. I woke up this morning to thousands of acres of frost-damaged pumpkin spice plants. It apparently got all the way down to 86 degrees.”
“It is devastating,” says Julie Sams, spokesperson for Americans For Pumpkin Spice. “This was looking to be the biggest year yet. Most people didn’t know this, but several of our larger producers had contracted with Proctor & Gamble to add pumpkin spice flavor to Tide Pods. I don’t have to tell you how big that would have been.”
Not everyone is devastated by the news. “We see God’s hand all over it,” gushes Steve Garton of Americans Against Pumpkin Spice. “The idolatry we saw with the pumpkin spicers was dangerous. They were putting it everywhere, contaminating everything. Pumpkin spice deodorant, toothpaste, and really anything. We’ve been praying for years. Pat Robertson was praying. So it was only a matter of time, thank the Lord.”
President Trump has announced that he is releasing 100 million tons of pumpkin spice from the federal reserve program declaring, “This is a sad thing. I don’t like pumpkin spice. It never did anything good for me. But I know it is a thing. It is really a thing. And if a thing is a thing, it is a thing.”