Nation Relieved To Have Presidential Alert In Age Of Limited Communication Options
It has been a long time coming. For months the White House has been trying to figure out how best to communicate directly to the American people regarding issues of great importance. The “Presidential Alert” has arrived.
According to Sarah Huckabee Sanders, “We have tried to find a way to get the word out as quickly as possible to the most people as possible. Everyone is on their cellphone most of the time. But there is no real way for them to find out pertinent information in the quickest amount of time. Let’s face it… if a serious terrorist attack happened, it would be seconds before most people would know what happened. Those precious seconds matter. So we have commandeered everyone’s mobile device so we can tell them what we want them to know before they get the same information from hundreds of various sources.”
President Trump is proud of the achievement, tweeting, “I have sent more Presidential Alerts than any president in history… including George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, and Josiah Bartlet combined. It’s great. Believe me… people will love it.”
In fact, Trump has already sent out 15 alerts in the first 12 hours. One alerted the American people that the New York Times has failed. Another included a link to his GoFundMe account that is raising money for, “a border wall, my personal legal defense fund, and a birthday gift for my little buddy Kim .” Probably the strangest alerts sent on the first day of the new system were screenshots of some of the love letters he received from Kim Jong Un, the Supreme Leader and brutal dictator of North Korea.
As you can imagine, the alert system is receiving mixed reviews from citizens based on party affiliation. Democrats are upset that they have to have interaction with the controversial Republican commander-in-chief. Lifelong democrat Breeze Lightfoot says, “I’m disappointed in the new system. I follow Trump on Twitter… but that’s mainly so I can troll him. You can’t troll a one-way alert system.” On the other side of the aisle, GOP faithful Robert Stevens is thrilled with the new system. “I especially like the video that pops up during the alert allowing us to easily donate to the 2020 re-election campaign.”
Just before this article went live, the nation received a Presidential Alert that was probably a text message intended for the Secret Service. It said, “2 Big Macks. 2 Filay of fishes. Large Chocolate shake. Get handful of salt and ketchup packets to have on hand. Grab extra napkins.”