God Hurls Huge Lump Of Coal At America For Being Bad This Year
Traditionally, good children find nice gifts in their stocking or under the tree on Christmas morning, and children who have been bad find a lump of coal in their stocking.
On Christmas morning 2018, Americans awoke to an emergency message from the President telling them to find shelter. NASA scientists spotted a huge mass hurtling toward earth at the speed of light. They pulled in a team of theologians to discern what this may mean. Ultimately the two groups determined that God had watched America this year and determined our behavior merited a lump of coal… the size of Chicago.
Citizens were advised to get right with God… or else.
President Trump bragged in a tweet that, “No President has ever done more for the coal industry. This will be the biggest catastrophe of the modern era. #Winning”
Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer blamed God for the climate change that would result from such an outrageous use of coal.
CNN, FOX, and the rest of the mainstream media are struggling to get people to understand that this is not a fake news story.
[Unverified Source will continue to bring you great stories that you can’t believe, even after America is sent straight to the second ice age. Our reporters imprisoned in North Korea will continue to publish high quality satire that could often pass as low end propaganda.]